


A Different Kind of Survival

by reptilianraven



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: 2k+ words of internal monolog and run on sentences, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-16
Updated: 2013-11-16
Packaged: 2018-01-01 18:08:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1046980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reptilianraven/pseuds/reptilianraven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He can’t be summed up in fifteen vignettes, but if somebody were to try, it would go a little something like this.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>Or a Stiles centric character study based off of Daphne Gottlieb’s 15 ways to stay alive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Different Kind of Survival

**Author's Note:**

> watching this show was an accident i didNT SIGN UP FOR THIS CHRICTS FUCKFINCGD HELL
> 
> on a more coherent note, if you didnt see it in the summary i will say it again, this is based on 15 ways to stay alive (i KNOW it has been done SO MANY TIMES dont look at me) so take a look at that before taking a look at this
> 
> writing this served as my coping mechanism for barreling through the entire series in roughly five days so if it seems unorganized and season 3a centric, then thats my fault completely because that is the current state of my brain

1.  
He gives them his arm and nothing else. He does give them sympathy nor does he show his weaknesses and he gives them his arm and that’s it. He’s this fleshy weak human thing and ever since Scott got bitten he’s been running with the wolves and trying to keep his best friend alive and above water. He doesn’t need a bunch of big bads knowing how to take him down so he learns and adapts and _he nails it_ because he isn’t a wolf, he can’t go all glowing eyes and super human abilities and he’s pretty sure that he has a neon sign pointing at him and reading “easy target”. But fuck that. He lets them think that he’s weak and powerless and he lets them underestimate him so while they think they’re winning he’s actually just protecting his weak spots and planning. He gives them his arm and nothing more, and when his metaphorical expression goes literal and Peter’s hand is around his wrist and he asks him if he wants the bite, Stiles learns an important lesson. He denies the offer and Peter tells him that he’s lying and Stiles knows that, both of them know it, but if he’s going to offer them his arm then he has to learn that he can take it the fuck back.

 

2.  
Stiles Stilinski is his name—okay well, not really, but his real name is this terrible, unpronounceable thing that crawled out of Satan’s anus and made every single introduction pleasantry a living hell to go through before he started calling himself Stiles but yeah, back to the point – and hanging out with a bunch of lycanthrope asshats is his game. Well if he excludes Scott and the crazy mystery alpha then the asshats dwindle into asshat as in singular. Oddly enough, that doesn’t dull the danger down one bit. Hiding his weaknesses won’t always be enough because while the others have claws and malicious growls, he’s got a baseball bat and a lifetime supply of sarcasm. He’s definitely no wolf, he isn’t some leather jacket wearing douchewad but he’s good enough to be with them and not die and that’s something right? He can be Batman, he can be Captain Kirk, he can be a main protagonist if he wanted to, so it doesn’t matter if he just does it a bit differently. Who needs to be as good them when he has his own way to measure up as an equal?

 

3.  
There was this one point in his life wherein he thought that if he believed in something hard enough, it might just come true. Very Disney, he knows. Maybe it was less of the believing and more of the pretending but the latter sounds more negative than the former so he stuck to one with better connotation. Fake it till you make it right? So he figured that maybe if he just didn’t believe in what the doctors said, maybe if he just tried hard enough to keep on holding on to this piece of hope that doesn’t exist, it’ll come true. And everybody knows how that sob story ended because there’s a grave in the ground and a hole in his heart to prove it. So believing turned into pretending and pretending turned into lying which sort of evolved into the blatant compulsive type of lying because it’s super hard being honest about his whereabouts when the supernatural is constantly trying to bite off his ass alright? But he’s experienced here, he can lie his way through a crime scene and through a lot more situations but he’s learning and adapting and today's lesson is that he can pretend all he wants, but his lies will never be good enough for him to believe them himself.

(Ironic how later in his life, Deaton will tell him “Be the spark,” and “You have to believe,” and somehow, it works, and maybe it only did because the universe loves throwing him a curveball. So thanks universe, but also fuck you.)

 

4.  
The first thing Derek Hale ever said to him was “This is private property,” and the first thing Stiles ever thought about him went something along the lines of “Mmmmmm yeah I’d like to get private in his property.” That was probably a huge red flag from the beginning but Derek was hot and Stiles was oblivious so he didn’t know a thing alright. He had no idea that this was the guy who would save his life and vice versa in the future, he didn’t know that that they were going to end up caring about each other with genuine emotions, he didn’t know that this was the guy who Stiles would absently stare at and look away a second too late with his brain racing, trying to catch up with the implications of why his heart was beating so fast. He didn’t realize a lot of things because that was when they had just met, and if anybody asks, Stiles is just going to pretend that it never happened because it honestly sucks as far as first meetings go.

 

5.  
Never back down. Nope. No way. He can say it once and he can say it again in Spanish. No. He might be this weak fleshy human thing but—hey so is Allison! Okay, maybe he can’t start comparing himself to Allison because she’s “hawkeye warrior queen lord god and savior of my heart” (“Stiles I’ve never actually said that.” “Yeah but you imply it every time you say her name. I can read between the lines buddy.”) Alright, so not only is he the weak human but he’s the useless human as well. Wow, that’s a punch to the gut but he can deal. Just lie and keep on going and fuck the fact that these goddamn werewolves can tell when he’s lying, just keep on keeping on and they’ll buy it somehow. Everybody already knows that he’s the useless weak fleshy human kid so if he plays the part it’ll be horribly redundant so just don’t give up. Be irritating, be intelligent, be sarcastic and sardonic and point out the flaws in their plans, get in their faces and be the thing that they can’t label anymore. Be complicated until they can’t summarize him and if anybody tries it’ll go a little something like this: an annoying teenage boy with his weirdass clique and his self appointed mission to make sure that everybody gets out alive.

 

6.  
What’s stupid is that in between all death and wolf shenanigans and, surprise, more death, he finds himself focusing on things that he shouldn’t be focusing on. Like holy hell, he doesn’t have time to feel _things_ for Derek Goddamn Hale. His schedule is really packed right now, it mostly consists of 1) Keep Scott Mccall alive, 2) Keep his father alive, 3) Do aforementioned two activities whilst not dying and also keeping good grades and a positive demeanor. So he doesn’t have time for having confusing thoughts that clash in his head every time the asshole decides to slam him into a solid structure, he doesn’t have time to have another person to worry over, he doesn’t have time to fall into emotions that he doesn’t understand because he’s trying to be the pillar here. He’s trying to be the guy everybody can lean on and if he can’t do that then god, what use is he really?

 

7.  
Don’t say a word. Just don’t. He can talk all he wants but he makes sure that nothing actually gets said. Just keep quiet. Stiles knows that these feelings won’t go away but this way, there’ll be less collateral damage because he knows this won’t end well, he knows that it is possible to calculate the destination of an object that falls and he’s not bringing anybody down with him.

 

8.  
For his impressive IQ level, he never had that famous eureka moment where he realized “Oh, I’m in love with Derek Hale,” because it never really works like that. Information doesn’t just click together and give sudden clarity to a once blurry picture. Maybe it’s because he’s busy, maybe it’s because these feelings didn’t punch him in the gut like most do because it was this slow and gradual process, maybe it’s because he never quite understood what love was beyond his dad and his mom and Scott but his understanding is reworked and redone and now he’s got a love he feels for when he’s researching ridiculous things at ass o’clock in the morning, a love he feels when the wall meets his back because the whole “slamming against vertical surfaces thing” was something Derek can’t seem to grow out of of, a love he feels for when a certain someone lends Stiles his jacket when he was just wordlessly shivering in the woods. It was really nothing sudden. It was just this slow acceptance that, wow, his heart has always been cold ever since his mom but it seems

a bit

warmer.

 

9.  
Stiles has gotten his fair share of injuries and near death experiences because with his life, it’s kind of hard to avoid them. But he draws the line when he gets beat up by fucking Gerard Argent because the dude is literally an old sickly person. So when all the kamina business is done and over with, he starts making himself into a weapon because if he is the useless human he’ll at least try to be the useless human that doesn’t need saving. He starts baring his teeth in every smile and he relishes that split second of hesitation he sees in the other party. He isn’t a wolf, so he isn’t any real danger, but they only realize that _after_ they take a step back and that step is all he needs.

 

10.  
He can’t understand Archaic Latin, or Classical Latin, or well, any Latin. He has decent French and there was that one time when he was so bored so he learned how to say “Fuck” in 20 different languages. He essentially makes do with English and that should be enough to get the point through right? Nope. Very much not right. Ridiculously wrong even. He is so up for the “Listen To Stiles” project because so much bad shit would have not happened if these asshole friends of his would just listen. But sometimes his words can suffice and get enough of the point across because he once had his hand wrapped around a flare whilst standing in a puddle of gasoline which he purposely walked into and he’d looked right into his best friend’s eye thinking that his words couldn’t possibly fail him now. Failing wasn’t an option then and it isn’t an option now and he has a feeling that it won’t be an option in the future. 

 

11.  
God, just ignore that. Ignore that persistent feeling that plagues him every time he and Derek are in the same room (which happens to be _now_ , fantastic). Just think about something else, _anything_ else. Okay, well not the murder/sacrifices, don’t think about that, something else then, like apparently the Echidna has a four headed penis, who fucking knew? See, this is a good train of thought which is perfectly far away from the terrible feeling he should be ignor—

“Stiles.”

“What’s up, Derek?”

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, course, why wouldn’t I be?”

“Your heart is going at it like you’ve ran a marathon.”

“Oh don’t mind that, just ignore it.” He says. _Because I sure am_ he leaves heavily implied.

 

12.  
Stiles remembers when he almost cut Derek’s arm off. What if that actually happened? What if there was just a one-arm-Derek walking around going about his business. He doesn’t think about what would have happened if he actually had died then, ugh, that’s not a good thought let’s re-route because one-arm-Derek is five billion times better than dead-for-realsies-Derek. Like that time at the pool, don’t think about what would have happened if he’d have drowned. Don’t think about all the times he could have died when he certainly should have. Don’t think about how Stiles can’t imagine keeping on without him because that’s not how it goes, that spot is reserved for his dad and Scott but his range is getting larger and before he knows it, it isn’t just Derek but it’s the whole pack. So he pretends that this is a good thing with no downsides. He pretends that he isn’t afraid of losing the people he let into his life because he survived through it once and he does not want to go through it again.

 

13.  
How many final death showdowns have they gone through? Don’t answer that question because whatever the number is, it would still be too much for a bunch of kids who haven’t even graduated high school yet. People are dying left and right and it isn’t fair, Heather is gone and then Erica then Boyd. There are people going down like chess pieces because somebody out there probably thinks that this is some sort of sick game. He’ll keep on thinking that they can get through this because it eases the sting a little bit. Stiles is going to get everybody else through it even if it means dying and—wait Deaton, shit, this is an internal monolog he doesn’t _actually_ mean _dying_ he—fuck. 

 

14.  
He died. He actually died and that was a real thing that happened. Dead for a good 16 hours. That’s actually a pretty heavy thing to think about so he’s going to ignore it like every other important thing he’s chosen to ignore and he finds the silver lining because he’s alive, yay! They can save his dad and Allison’s dad and Scott’s mom, yay! And then. They do. Then it’s over and everybody is safe and Stiles finally gets that huge breath of relief that floods his lungs but it doesn’t feel as good as he had imagined it. He remembers what Deaton said about the darkness, and he thinks that he can already feel it. That little sensation of warmth he had is gone and has been replaced by void. No cold or hot, just the absence of something that was once there and he thinks it’s okay, this is his sacrifice, this is the small price he had to pay to get his friends through the shitstorm so it's alright, he can deal with it.

 

15.  
Derek left and he’s going to pretend that that doesn’t bother him. A gone-Derek is a lot better than a dead-Derek so it’s okay because he’s probably going to be a lot happier wherever he’s going so it’s okay. It’s not like his heart is functioning enough to actually be bothered by it so he ignores it. They’re safe for now but when have they ever been legitimately safe? This is just the calm before the storm, this is the interlude before the boss battle, this is just _something_ before another malevolent force waltzes in and messes everything up again and they’ll be back in the danger zone before they know it. He’s keeping his head up and he’s not backing down, it’s just pretend and lie and fight and try not to die and it’s the normal routine, must be Thursday. He just tries to prepare himself for whatever comes next in some futile effort to try and keep his friends safe and alive because it might be too late for him. That darkness thing is really taking its toll because he’s pretty sure a big chunk of him stayed dead back in that ice tub. So this is him doing what he can with what he has. This is him writing a eulogy for himself through the things he can do right for the people who still have a chance.


End file.
